photo taken from: http://staydum93.deviantart.com/art/Crying-Face-171951658

March 29. I went to the diagnostic clinic early to finish whatever it was that needs to be rechecked on me. I wanted everything to be accomplished because I was on PM shift. And yes, it was that day that I knew that I am HIV positive.

After the talk with the head med tech, I decided to proceed to the hospital although it was still early for duty. I was in the MRT station when I texted a workmate that I needed to talk to someone. I was glad with the reply; she’s on PM shift as well.

When I arrived in the hospital, I prepared my things and received endorsement from my manager. I remember texting my Mom that I had my follow up lab earlier, and that I wouldn’t be able to work abroad. I told her I’m sorry for everything, for disappointing her once again. She texted, asking what my problem was. Afraid of disclosing to her that I have HIV, I just told her that there was a problem with my blood exam.

I remember her calling, furious, asking me what happened. I told her that I might have Hepa B, and that blood was extracted from me again, and I have to wait for 3 to 4 weeks for the confirmatory result. I cried telling her how sorry I am. I cried because I lied.

She asked what my plans are. I said I do not know for now. Then I said, I can ask my manager if I can still retract my resignation. With regards to my employment abroad, I can just tell my agency that I have a health problem that may take a while to be resolved. With regards to my siblings visiting me in Manila, we can go on with it since it was already all planned out.

Then the workmate that I texted earlier arrived. She asked me what my problem is. She asked if it’s about my work abroad. I looked at her and nodded. Controlling my tears is such a feat. I couldn’t hold back any longer, tears flow continuously from my eyes. I cried in silence because I was embarrassed that the other staff might see me. My workmate and I agreed to talk after duty.

A few moments later, a guy I recently dated texted me, asking why I wasn’t texting back anymore. I replied that things are complicated with me right now; that currently, I’m in a very very dark place that I do not know my way out. He was worried; he called. I was not comfortable taking the call because I don’t want to lie again, and I don’t want to explain myself to anyone as of the moment. Things are very recent. But out of politeness, and the need, maybe, for someone to listen, I did take the call.

My voice was shaking when I talked to him. I told him I’m sick. Since what I do know about HIV then, is that it might lead to TB, pneumonia, or cancer, I had no choice but to just tell him that I might have cancer. I cried telling him that I did care for different patients in the hospital, patients in critical care conditions. And it’s so hard for me to accept that sooner or later, I may be one of those patients. I see how they suffer, and I will suffer like them as well. We ended our conversation with him saying, that I should just pray, and never forget to seek Him at all times.

After PM shift, my workmate and I talked. I did not disclose to her my real condition, but she listened to all the worries of my heart. Before we parted ways, she held my hand and told me that everything will be fine, and God will always be there for me.

I walked home crying.

                                                  photo taken from: http://www.added-value.com/source/2010/10/marketing-and-hiv/

January 2012.

After three years of working as a staff nurse, I was informed by my manager that she will process my promotion as assistant manager of our unit. I was ecstatic. After a hate-hate relationship with some managers in the hospital in the early years of my career, it became love-love a few years later. To be fair with the company, I was honest enough to inform them that I have a pending application abroad. I already passed the panel interview, and currently in the process of complying with all the requirements. Although there was no certainty as to the date of my deployment abroad (because of an internal problem in the agency), I still informed her of the possibility of me leaving the hospital any time soon.

Nevertheless, I was assigned as OIC in all my duty days in preparation for my promotion (and I can only feel glee inside; my managers trust me).

February 2012.

My visa arrived. I informed the agency, and they wanted me to finish complying all the requirements (pertinent documents, and my medical exam). Deep inside, I still did not want to resign. I enjoy being OIC. I still want to spend more time with my family in the province. Delaying tactics, done!

March 2012, first week.

The agency kept pressuring me to submit all my documents. They wanted me to be deployed on the last week of March. March 28, to be exact. I told them I wasn't ready yet. I still have to comply with the 30-day-notice of the hospital. They told me I don’t have a choice.

That same afternoon, with a heavy heart, I submitted my resignation letter.

March 2012, third week.

I have already completed all my required documents. And another good news: my deployment date was moved to April 12. Perfect, as it will give me enough time to go to the province to be with my family before flying abroad. Bu there is only one thing left to comply, my medical exam!

March 27, 2012.

I went to the accredited diagnostic clinic. It took me one whole day to finish everything. I felt so happy and productive. I was quite worried about my X-ray result, though, since I had cough during the day of the medical exam. Other than that, the other thing that worries me is how to budget my remaining two weeks: move out of my apartment, Manila tour of my siblings (I bought them airfare tickets already), we all fly back home to the province to spend at least three days with my family, pack my things, and head back to Manila two days before my scheduled flight abroad.

March 28, 2012.

I texted the agency if they already received my medical exam results from the clinic.  Thirty minutes later, I received a reply telling me to go back to the clinic because of a pending exam.

Uhm, I asked myself what went wrong. I checked my medical slip: no signature for the audiometry test. That must be it!

I texted an applicant whom I met in the clinic whose destination abroad is same as mine. She told me that the agency texted her that she is physically fit to work. More than that, she said there was no audiometry test. We were in the same line in all tests during the medical exam, we did not miss any single test.

I know that at the back of my mind, I worried that I might have Hepa B. A past relationship died January this year. I was informed it is because of liver abscess. I researched about Hepatits B over the net. Asymptomatic. Great! So only blood exam will tell. I refuse to think I have it because it will hinder my employment abroad.

Upon closing the windows in my laptop, I glanced upon the “You might also like:” portion of the showbiz site, showbiznest. The title: HIV Positive Wanggo Gallaga Faces Boy Abunda. And I said to myself, “Wow! Another sign!” Although I was convinced that I do not have HIV, a little part of me got worried. I also know for a fact that HIV is asymptomatic.

March 29, 2012.

I came to the clinic early because I was on PM shift that day. Although I arrived at 8AM, I was informed that the doctor arrives at 10AM. I was in the line together with those who have pending results. A few hours later, a staff called each one and assigned us to the units where we need to have ourselves rechecked. Some were assigned to X-ray. I thought I will be belonging to that group. I was not.

I was told to wait for the head med tech because of a pending blood exam.

I waited for what seemed like eternity when the med tech (Sir Roger) told me to come with him in his clinic.

He told me to sit, and then he introduced himself. He asked me where my destination is, the date of my deployment, etc. I answered April 12, and I have already resigned from my current employer for that reason. He then calmly told me that when he "run” my blood in one of the exam kits, there was a reaction. My blood reacted to a test, an HIV test. It was positive.

I was speechless. He asked me if I was alright. I didn't move. I didn’t say anything.

He then continued that what was did to me was just a screening test. What he will do now is to extract blood from me again, “run” it in the same kit, and another portion of the blood will be sent to DOH for confirmation.

He also informed me that he will text me personally if the results come out after around 3 to 4 weeks (added to the fact that Holy Week is approaching).

He then asked me again if I was alright. I said, yes. But to be honest, I was overwhelmed with all the emotions which came crashing down right at that moment. There was that fear of dying. There was that confusion as to what to tell my mother why I cannot go abroad. And there was also fear of unemployment.


And then, in a moment, I remembered during one review class about man's greatest fear: the fear of the UNKNOWN!